


You're not in love with me

by OhsnapitzChasy



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-14
Updated: 2014-06-14
Packaged: 2018-02-04 16:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1786216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhsnapitzChasy/pseuds/OhsnapitzChasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I gave you my heart and you stomped on it</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're not in love with me

You’re not in love with me, not really, you just love the way I always made you feel. Like you were the center of my world. Like you were an angel from above. Because you were. I would have done anything for you. I would have fought for you, I would have died for you . I'd give you my heart if I hadn't already. I would have given you my time, because seeing you for 15 hours a day just isn't enough, I could've been with you every day for a year and it still wouldn't be enough. 

 

I wanted to immerse myself in you. I wanted to know every minute detail, every quirk, and every tick. I wanted to find all the little imperfection that made you so beautiful to me. Every smooth curve and dip of your body. I just wanted to feel you with my fingertips, to love you with my body and soul and for you to do the same with me. But you wouldn't allow it. 

 

You wanted to be loved, but you were unable to express those feelings to another. You saw love as a one-way street, one should be loved and adored, while the other worships them with all their heart. To give their everything to you. While they are not allowed to nestle in the bosom of love. But instead in the bosom of heartbreak and loneliness. 

 

Paul Tillich once said "Loneliness expresses the pain of being alone and solitude expresses the glory of being alone." I wish had surround myself in that glory instead of the pain. But that's all I feel, pain. Such weak word to describe a person I thought was strong. But I'm not. Once this word started to sink in I gave up. But not in me but in you. 

 

You will never know what it means to be truly in love. To feel what others feel for you. All you know are your twisted ideals on love. You'll never know what's it really like to be in love. Because now I know its something your incapable of. I know you don't want to be alone, and so you had forced yourself to stay in our present relationship. If you can call it such a thing. It feels more like a job everyday. 

 

Your ability for deception is something to behold. For the first few weeks I thought what we had something that was real. I thought you felt the same. You would hold me and kiss me, you'd make me feel loved, and for the first time. I felt special. Then you showed me my your true colors. You shut me out and built up walls to keep me out. But I still love you and I hate myself for it. 

 

You've ruined me. Not just for myself but for anyone who wants to love me. Because I find comfort in what our relationship is or for what I thought it was. I don't think I can go on with out you, but I want to. I want to stop feeling the way I do. I want to hate you with all my heart, but I can't. You were my first everything. Kiss, love, and the first to make me feel beautiful. To stop feeling like a girl who did not feel comfortable in her skin, but a women. 

 

What if I can't love again? What if I'm broken? What if this is the kind of love is what I will expect from others? I might never have normal relationship again. But you don't care, perhaps this was your plan. 

 

To distort love in my eyes, so you wouldn't be alone in this world. So there would be another misguided soul like your own. Someone whose heart is filled with hate and betrayal. If these were your plans then congrats. You've made me truly fucked up. I bet I'm a psychologist wet dream now. 

 

They'll be making a small fortune on me soon. That just what on the surface. As of late I've been drinking. It numbs my emotions, for the first time I'm not a slave to my feelings. For a few hours I can make them stop. The yelling in my head can finally quiet down. 

 

A year ago I was a normal girl, well as normal as one can be. I had dreams, I was going to be a professor, teaching mythology and the University of Oregon. I loved running, the ache in my legs after a long run was a feeling I used to love. Now that girl is dead. Her, her dreams, and aspirations are gone. I wish I was still her. I sometimes dream that I am, and went I wake the disappointment I feel is something I've never felt before. 

 

I think she's mad at me. She trusted me with her hopes and dreams and I let someone get in the way of them. I'm sorry but I'm not sorry. I never meant for this to happen. But I needed this, if this didn't happen now it would've happened latter. I can't imagine losing things I've work so hard to obtain, putting years of blood sweat in tears into it just so it can be snatched away. 

 

By this fictitious idea of love. This one side love of hurt and pain. I wish I never met you on that rainy day. I wish I never gave you my heart because I know you will keep it forever. I don't think I even want it back. It's brought me so much hurt, maybe if I never had one my life would be easier. From this day forward I no longer I have a heart. 

 

So, Kate are you happy, because you've won. You've broken me and turned me into nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading


End file.
